All I Want For Christmas Is Parents Who Aren't Assholes

So my dad is determined to get rid of the Civic.  You know, the car I drive, that he doesn't.  He considers all my opinions about the car he wants me to drive instead (a Toyota Corolla) to be invalid.  There's no stopping him.

My mom is no better.  She insulates him from my dissent and my overall negative opinion of him.  She's his "yes man".  Every time I have a criticism of him, it's me who needs to reconsider saying anything at all.  When she does say anything at all on my behalf, it's watered down and incredibly sugarcoated.  Never once has she been on my side when my dad and I have had a real dispute, though.  He's always right, I'm always wrong.

Look, dad, I know you're butthurt that I still live with you.  Antagonizing me at every turn isn't the way to get rid of me.  If you want me to be there when you're in assisted living 20 years from now, you'd best start being nice to me now.  Wait, no, never mind, 33 (and counting) years of being an asshole to me can't be made up by going back on a single poorly conceived decision.

Can I still be adopted, legally, by parents who aren't assholes?

Can somewhere around here hire me so I can move out and cut these douchenozzles out of my life once and for all?

I mean, I know Bodo's has the Now Hiring signs back up.  But I'd rather not work there, given that my asshole parents go there every Tuesday evening for dinner.  I feel like explaining why I'm open every evening but Tuesday would be a little weird.

Look for me on the news in a few days?  Dunno.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.